Single Mommy Status

My husband has been working out of town for over a week now and I have been trying my best to hold it all down while he is away.  My best is not always good enough but I have chosen to make it my mission to be better each day.  God willing.

Someone help me please.  I know for certain that I am yelling far more than I am talking!  At this point, I am on ALL CAPS.  I always stop myself while trying to collect my thoughts and approach the situation differently but just as soon as I try and approach it rationally, I find that my 1 year old son has my 2 year old daughter on the floor laughing as if he just won the heavyweight championship.  Or one is chasing the other because they have the "toy of the hour"  and "it's theirs" and there is no such thing as sharing!  What ever happened to "sharing is caring"?!!  I always hear that "they will be so close later" and I do believe it but meanwhile, they are driving me insane.  I just want to be able to get a grip on things and handle all the madness with some calmness.  Is that possible?  Maybe not for me.  

Here's the thing, I do understand that I am blessed and I understand how lucky I am to have such healthy and happy children.  In fact, I thank God for that!!  Now, I just need the patience to go along with all of that.  My two year old just found out that she LOVES sleeping in our bed much better than in her own and has now refused to sleep in her own bed for over a month now.  I miss my sleep!!  My one year old son thinks he is running the show here.  He runs around chucking things at mirrors, at people, and down the stairs!  He bites, hits, and snarls at us.....

Sometimes, I have to stop and laugh at the craziness here.  

Of course, we have our good times!!  They DO sleep ;)

On a more serious note.  I am trying to put things in perspective.  They are my babies and I wouldn't want it any other way.  I am checking in and being accountable so that I can check out of the insane asylum.  I need to turn around and address each of these problems as calm as possible head on.  I am mommy, the superhero right?  After all, I did create life!!

Where's that next glass of wine?

No Coincidence

I believe that there are no coincidences only divine order.  You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this exact time.  I had the finale of the Oprah show saved on my DVR for over a year now (originally aired May 2011).  Strangely, it wasn't until last week that I actually sat down to watch it in it's entirety even though the show had to be one of my all time favorites.  During this finale, her words inspired me to dig deep to find my sense of self. It is no coincidence that I needed to do that now more than ever.

She spoke about the difference between THINKING you deserve to be happy and KNOWING that you are worthy of happiness.  I have times where I subconsciously block my own blessings because I tend to not feel good enough.  And there you have it.  It has been spoken for the first time.  I don't think I ever got that before I sat and watched the finale.  I now can think back on different occasions where it was clear that I did not feel good enough but yet I couldn't see it to be able to set myself straight.  Those "life whispers" went unheard.  I continued to not feel good enough to accept my life's blessings.  Oprah's finale, was the "hit over the head" that I needed in order to see that I didn't feel good enough. Although I wish that this reveal came much earlier, I am certain that it is no coincidence that it happened now.

I have been on the road to recovery for some time now.  I have experienced symptoms of depression for many years.  These feelings intensified after the birth of my two toddlers, ages 2 and 1.  In the midst of suffering from postpartum depression after my daughter was born, I found out I was pregnant again when she was only 4 months old.  The delivery of my son was traumatic.  After losing more than half of my blood and almost losing my life, God blessed me with a beautiful baby boy and another chance to live.  Because of that gift,  I spent some time working on myself to "chase" my happy.  Even progressing on my journey to good health, I never really gave myself the credit that I see now, I deserved.  In four months, I dropped 35 pounds, working my heart out and eating healthy.  I definitely was well on my way to finding happy.  Then something happened.  Life happened.  My kids got sick, I got sick, and then I lost my routine.  I quickly found myself reverting to old behaviors and felt like I was unworthy of those successes that I worked my ass off for.

Fast forward to today.  I am no where close to where I wanted to be BUT I am much farther than where I once was.  I believe that happiness is not a condition but rather a decision.  I have decided to be okay where I am even though I want to change.  Because I now see that I am worthy of happiness, I can be excited to do the work.  That is exactly where I needed to be in order to move on  to where I need to go.  No coincidence.